A tram project which ploughed down an embankment in Edinburgh after it was hit by a landslide of debt is to be cut up because it is too expensive to recover.
The Tram Project, named the Eco Express, will be cannibalised for spare parts despite escaping serious damage, although experts said it was “incredibly unusual” to write off a project that was only ten years old, had never run and cost well over £1Billion.
It has not moved since it struck a huge boulder of mismanagement on a remote stretch of the Nowhere to Nowhere line years ago, bang on top of the nearest road. The driver, Lesley 'Casey Jones' Hinds who escaped injury, and co-driver Steve 'Cannonball' Cardownie were rescued by helicopter, and confirmed the smash up had been nothing to do with them.
Edinburgh Council is understood to have explored several salvage options, including building another 17-mile track from one of the closest places people might actually want to travel from so the tram project could be picked up again. However, they were all ruled out because the cost involved was estimated at more than another £1 Billion.
Difficulties hampering the Tram project recovery included the awkward fact that having already cost over the £1Billion the only discernible effect so far had been to raise pollution levels in the city by over 14%. , and various attempts to cover it with £50 notes and gold plate a large number of pensions and compensation payments for other drivers haven't successed in preventing it falling further down the steep embankment towards total disaster.
Nothing in the world able to rescue the project is available, and it has been deemed too difficult to create any alternative plan because of the lack of road access (all taken away by the ...er....now badly derailed project).
Instead, the Tram project will be taken apart and winched in sections onto rail trucks to be taken away.
The disaster happened when a torrential downpour of cash triggered a landslip from 250ft above the Tram between Waverely Court and City Chambers. The tram and the front five of it's ridiculously over sized wagons, which thankfully, as usual, were carrying no members of the public, were derailed.
The UK Department for Transport’s rail accident investigation branch said the Tram project had come to rest on a “natural ledge” following the money completely running out.
Edinburgh Council, which is responsible for the line, said the plan was to try and forget about it completely, and never mention it again.
A spokesman said: “It has to be that way, as creating the site conditions needed for continuing to puff it up and pretend it was a success were prohibitive and could exceed the worth of the project.”
Edinburgh Council Scientific Services Department, responsible for the land involved and the people who live in it, said it had been reassured the locomotive did not pose any environmental danger.
A spokesman for the Tram Project's Dear Leader Bruce Il-Sue said : " There is a lot of talk about scientific evidence that the project is causing dangerous pollutants to blanket smaller, formerly quiet residential streets, left with old fashioned traffic squeezing down them, after the main roads were cleared for the project."
"Alongside that, the entire world knows this sort of pollution kills people and also creates chronic illnesses in respiratory tracts, like Asthma.'
" However our advice to anyone in Edinburgh is simply to do as we do and place a finger in each ear while singing loudly "Lah-Lah-Lah We can't hear you!"
"This will remove the need to hear about and therefore worry about any nasty facts from the real world spoiling the fairy tale."
"However it may be best if the 200,000 people or so in streets under potential threat don't go out as much, although on the other hand maybe they shouldn't stay inside either."
"Itis a tough one..... but despite the entire thing careering irretreivably off the tracks and smashing down a mountainside of debt into a dark loch of bankruptcy rest assured the wreckage came in on time, under budget and is a very modern, shiny pile of scrap that will astound visitors to Edinburgh for centuries to come."